NFL Captions: Week 13

“It’s me, Luigi!”

“Why do we always have to work on Thanksgiving?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I really gotta work on my touchdown dances.”

“I think they’re highlighting us in Madden.”

“Don’t worry, I definitely won’t trip any of your players tonight.”

“Mmm halftime snack.”

“Look who’s wearing the elite hat now Joe!”

“Only a few months until Clowney is playing for one of us.”

“You didn’t actually expect us to try, did you?”

“Congrats on the first pick in the draft.”

“MJ!”

“Neither team deserved to win.”

“Me, play quarterback? Na, I have that Entourage movie to start filming.”

“Just to clarify, we are beating them, not bullying them.”

“Anybody know what Tebow is up to?”

“Bye everyone! Nice knowing you!”

“So you think we should throw Michael a Going Away Party?”

“Keep your hands to yourself. I don’t want to catch MRSA.”

“First off, I want to say it’s nice to finally see some familiar faces.”

“This seems like a good hiding place for all the videotapes of the Texans.”

“Why can’t we win?!?!”

“And please God, let me play on a different team next year.”

“I believe I can fly!”

“Alright, on three we’re gonna shove it up their…”

“And back into irrelevance we go!”

“Congrats on your professional remake of ‘The Longest Yard’.”

“I’m gonna throw a touchdown to that end zone!”

“Tell Fox I’m keeping the job.”

“Remember Eli, Santa is watching. Now go be a good quarterback.”

“Hey be nice! Santa is watching!”

NFL Captions: Week 9

“Coach Philbin! They’re being mean again!”

“You already took my soul! What more do you want?”

“Ryan, for the last time we use our words on this team.”

“Yep, Denver is waiting for you right over that horizon, there.”

“Excuse me! I ordered Buffalo Wings, not Buffalo Bills!”

“Why does that fat guy get to catch passes and I don’t?”

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship if you get me the ball 20 times a game.”

“Hey! Since when are we allowed to put descriptions of our dicks on the back of our jerseys?”

“Easy on the head-to-head stuff Jimmy. Don’t give Roger any ammunition.”

“It’s like looking into a thin, hairless mirror.”

“Thank God Halloween is over. Those damn kids kept trying to carve my face.”

“Guys, please, tell me where in the rulebook it says I can’t be a douchebag.”

“Look! In the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Well, it’s sure as hell not a falcon.”

“Why the hell are we down three touchdowns to the Bucs?”

“I know it sounds crazy, but our only choice is to go for the interpletion.”

“You guys gotta hit them from behind, like this!”

“Vick? Who the hell is Vick?”

“Well, I guess I’m unemployed now…”

“Are you sure we’re winning? Because that’s so not what we were going for.”

“Who needs Jadaveon Clowney anyways?”

“Right here! We’ll take him!”

“Gronk, am I fist-pumping right?”

“You’re not Wes.”

“Hey, do we maybe wanna try playing defense out there?”

“Whatever you do, don’t show that trophy to Vladmir Putin.”

“Who put this giant football here?”

“You’re probably better off going back to the hoodie.”

 

“Live from Houston, it’s Sunday Night?”

“Guys, I think our Cease and Desist order is missing a few letters.”

“You sure you want me to be a head coach in this state again?”

NFL Captions: Week 7

“Look, we all know you’re bald. There’s no use in wearing that hat.”

“I bet this is gonna look great in slow motion.”

“I love you Steven Jackson doppleganger!”

“You better not catch that. It’ll throw off our dance.”

“I’d rather be in the hospital with MRSA.”

“Crap, I called the wrong finger.”

“Whatever happened to that Tebow guy?”

“Watch out everybody, Chipotle farts.”

“And back into the foggy irrelevance for us.”

“Come on, do your black guy impersonation one more time.”

“Get over here and kiss me you big lug.”

“Sorry Bill, there just isn’t anything we can do to stop him from fist-pumping.”

“If I buy six more hoodies, I only need to do laundry once a week.”

“I’m not even going to tell you where my Tom Brady tattoo is. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s on my penis.”

“That Jason Garrett would make a mighty fine third quarterback…”

“Please please, hold your applause. I’m about to throw another interception.”

“BLURRED LINES!”

“Don’t worry guys, Rex Grossman is right over there and says he’s ready to go.”

“Why did we even bother cutting eye holes?”

“I either need glasses or larger tattoo font. This is getting ridiculous.”

“Good Lord, it’s beautiful.”

“This added crotch access is a game-changer.”

“So you’re saying throwing it to myself isn’t an option?”

“You know I can’t literally rub off on you, right?”

“You saw what Schaub was doing? Do the opposite of that.”

“Beer here!”

“Sure, the more Super Bowl wins, the more alert you are.”

“There’s something vaguely familiar about this place…”

“Damnit, I keep forgetting those blue jerseys aren’t my teammates any more.”

“This hurts more than Peyton leaving.”

NFL Captions: Week 4

“Atta boy, that’s more points than last week already.”

“I don’t remember how to do this!”

“Do you know of anywhere else that is hiring?”

“This is worse than Book of Manning.”

“That Hansel is so hot right now.”

“Put your hands in the air if you’re a true playa.”

“I’m just gonna slowly back away as you all blame Schaub…”

“Ha, as if Lane Kiffin could coach an NFL team.”

“I am 3 episodes from catching up and if you tell me what happens to Jesse, I will kill you. Bitch.”

“I give this game a thumbs up. Not a big thumbs up, but still.”

“I wonder if college football still pays well.”

“2-2 baby! It doesn’t get better than this!”

“Now, back to what I do best. Interceptions away!”

“Yep, I’m still hungover.”

“My precious!”

“Relax, Tom Brady got his job back. And you’re a first round draft pick!”

“London! Stare at my immaturity!”

“That guy. I want that guy to play QB next week for us.”

“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

“Jazz Hands!”

“Well, we just got a new running back, but I’ll ask.”

“Hey at least you didn’t fumble after running into someone’s butt.”

“And now we play the waiting game…”

“Look, I’m Chip Kelly! Just kidding, we win games here.”

“1, 2, 3, 4. 4 touchdowns is probably enough Peyton.”

“What was your injury? I wanna fake it and sit until they fire Chip.”

“Sliding is so much easier on a baseball field!”

“For the last time, I can’t give Jerry Jones a penalty.”

“I hear dead people!”

 

“Hi, I’m here to audtion for the Number 23. I mean Patriots receiver, #23.”

“I am the one who knocks!”

“Did you set the DVR for an hour and a half or not? Breaking Bad is 75 minutes this week!”

“I am so sorry you had to miss the finale for this Tom.”

“To the DVR!”

“I’ve been in the locker room watching this whole time. Walt dies at the end, bitch.”