NFL Captions: Week 13

“It’s me, Luigi!”

“Why do we always have to work on Thanksgiving?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I really gotta work on my touchdown dances.”

“I think they’re highlighting us in Madden.”

“Don’t worry, I definitely won’t trip any of your players tonight.”

“Mmm halftime snack.”

“Look who’s wearing the elite hat now Joe!”

“Only a few months until Clowney is playing for one of us.”

“You didn’t actually expect us to try, did you?”

“Congrats on the first pick in the draft.”

“MJ!”

“Neither team deserved to win.”

“Me, play quarterback? Na, I have that Entourage movie to start filming.”

“Just to clarify, we are beating them, not bullying them.”

“Anybody know what Tebow is up to?”

“Bye everyone! Nice knowing you!”

“So you think we should throw Michael a Going Away Party?”

“Keep your hands to yourself. I don’t want to catch MRSA.”

“First off, I want to say it’s nice to finally see some familiar faces.”

“This seems like a good hiding place for all the videotapes of the Texans.”

“Why can’t we win?!?!”

“And please God, let me play on a different team next year.”

“I believe I can fly!”

“Alright, on three we’re gonna shove it up their…”

“And back into irrelevance we go!”

“Congrats on your professional remake of ‘The Longest Yard’.”

“I’m gonna throw a touchdown to that end zone!”

“Tell Fox I’m keeping the job.”

“Remember Eli, Santa is watching. Now go be a good quarterback.”

“Hey be nice! Santa is watching!”

NFL Captions: Week 12

“We’re here! We suck! Get used to it!”

“Yes, I’m aware it’s 2 months after Labor Day.”

“I know our owner is a Steelers fan, but still…”

“Hold on a sec. Does this neck warmer make my face look ridiculous?”

“Dude, I told you, I’m not into all this PDA. Get off your knees.”

“Don’t you even look at me!”

“Is it too late to challenge the first 10 weeks of the season?”

“When I said I wanted one of our old QBs back, I didn’t mean Flynn.”

“You guys should try these. Sure the protection is weaker, but it’s way warmer than a helmet.”

“They say a tie is like kissing your sister. And no, my sister doesn’t mind the tickle.”

“Look, I know you’re confused. But until Magnum here shaves that thing, you’re our best option.”

“I guess it only takes one loss for a team to lose confidence in Coach Reid.”

“Look guys! I can jump and be as tall as you!”

“This is the most disappointing menu I’ve seen since McDonald’s Breakfast at midnight.”

“Is that what I ordered? Oh dear.”

“I know it’s idiotic, but you can’t give him a penalty for shouting that he’s a ‘Black Unicorn’.”

“I’m just going to hold my foot here. And if a Bears player runs into it, so be it.”

“You wanna do this? After practice, behind the cafeteria. Where Coach can’t see us.”

“All by myself. Don’t wanna be…”

“Only elite quarterbacks like Tom Brady and me can pull off these hats.”

“Have you seen the hat Joe is wearing? It’s just awful.”

“Joe, we’ve been meaning to talk to you. You can’t pull off the hat.”

“I guess if this doesn’t work out, there’s always the other kind of football.”

“Hi Death. Sorry I made you wait 2 weeks, I’m all good to go now.”

“I used to be a Jags fan! This is what I get for jumping ship!”

“They’re going to make so many ‘Bad Luck’ puns.”
“You should hear all the ‘Luck Dynasty’ shit I get.”

“You catch that USC-Stanford game last week?”

“Hallelujah! The mythical end zone! We found it!”

“Good effort tonight. And I love you as the kid on ‘2 and a Half Men’.”

“Wes looks so good standing on that sideline…”

“I hate running into exes.”

“I hope he didn’t see that.”

“Is it just me, or does Tom really have a type?”

“Yoohoo! Wes!”

“Can’t you see he’s moved on?”

“Why won’t he love me?!?”

NFL Captions: Week 5

“Have you considered trading your best player? It’s worked miracles for us.”

“Who’s a ginger Ohio-based NFL quarterback with a a winning team? This guy!”

“But Mom I don’t want to wear a helmet!”

“They better not use this for the next Mighty Wings commercial.”

“Chugga-chugga choo-choo!”

“Eli, for the last time you can play train when the game is over.”

“Coach thinks he can ruin my game, well I’ll ruin his stupid football game.”

“And now introducing the next interim coach of the New Orleans Saints!”

“It’s not you, it’s the double coverage.”

“Give him a knuckle sandwich for me!”

“I knew talking to strangers wouldn’t end well.”

“You’re going to pretend you’re Wes Welker and you’re going to like it.”

“Be honest, does the light grey hoodie make me look fat?”

“I’m number one!”

“You sick of Aaron yet?” “Mmhmm”

“Oh my God! Memphis BBQ!”

“What do you mean you don’t have burnt ends?”

“If nothing else, we can agree that Kaepernick guy sucks.”

“Let’s hear it for putting the Jaguars on our schedule.”

“Whew, no more running for me for a good 5 years.”

“Put me down! I am not food!”

“So first one to 50 wins?”

“Yeah this is Texas, but they have way to many weapons to be legal.”

“It’s past my bedtime.”

“I’m not sold on Kaepernick, how would you like to be our new running quarterback?”

“Look at me! I’m a fountain!”

NFL Captions: Week 4

“Atta boy, that’s more points than last week already.”

“I don’t remember how to do this!”

“Do you know of anywhere else that is hiring?”

“This is worse than Book of Manning.”

“That Hansel is so hot right now.”

“Put your hands in the air if you’re a true playa.”

“I’m just gonna slowly back away as you all blame Schaub…”

“Ha, as if Lane Kiffin could coach an NFL team.”

“I am 3 episodes from catching up and if you tell me what happens to Jesse, I will kill you. Bitch.”

“I give this game a thumbs up. Not a big thumbs up, but still.”

“I wonder if college football still pays well.”

“2-2 baby! It doesn’t get better than this!”

“Now, back to what I do best. Interceptions away!”

“Yep, I’m still hungover.”

“My precious!”

“Relax, Tom Brady got his job back. And you’re a first round draft pick!”

“London! Stare at my immaturity!”

“That guy. I want that guy to play QB next week for us.”

“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

“Jazz Hands!”

“Well, we just got a new running back, but I’ll ask.”

“Hey at least you didn’t fumble after running into someone’s butt.”

“And now we play the waiting game…”

“Look, I’m Chip Kelly! Just kidding, we win games here.”

“1, 2, 3, 4. 4 touchdowns is probably enough Peyton.”

“What was your injury? I wanna fake it and sit until they fire Chip.”

“Sliding is so much easier on a baseball field!”

“For the last time, I can’t give Jerry Jones a penalty.”

“I hear dead people!”

 

“Hi, I’m here to audtion for the Number 23. I mean Patriots receiver, #23.”

“I am the one who knocks!”

“Did you set the DVR for an hour and a half or not? Breaking Bad is 75 minutes this week!”

“I am so sorry you had to miss the finale for this Tom.”

“To the DVR!”

“I’ve been in the locker room watching this whole time. Walt dies at the end, bitch.”

NFL Captions: Divisional Round

“Ray Lewis has, in fact, threatened my life. Unfortunately, we will be forced to let him win.”

“Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.”

“Quit scoring return touchdowns! Our defense is getting tired!”

“Please can I win a cold weather game Ray?”

“I love that this thing has crotch access.”

“See? Only elite quarterbacks get hugs!”

“Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

“Hey, can I challenge drafting Alex Smith ahead of Rodgers?”

“All by myself…”

“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

“At least I get another week to work on State Farm commercials.”

“And then we’ll put a flaming bag of poop on Alex’s doorstep!”

“I wish they would replace you guys again.”

“Coach, interpletion isn’t actually in our playbook.”

“It’s still 10 AM Pacific time, we should be asleep.”

“Yeah, fuck it. Let’s go for the onside kick.”

“Kiss and make up?”

“We won a playoff game! I’m going to Disney World!”

“So how about we let them hang around for 2, maybe 3 quarters?”

“Tom! There is literally no one within 50 feet of me!”

“You keep playing like this and I’m gonna have to put in the kid with the puffball hat.”

“It has been an honor to continually lose here.”

“NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!”

“I just want you to know, you’re the only one I’ve ever really wanted to be ontop of.”