NFL Captions: Week 13

“It’s me, Luigi!”

“Why do we always have to work on Thanksgiving?”

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

“I really gotta work on my touchdown dances.”

“I think they’re highlighting us in Madden.”

“Don’t worry, I definitely won’t trip any of your players tonight.”

“Mmm halftime snack.”

“Look who’s wearing the elite hat now Joe!”

“Only a few months until Clowney is playing for one of us.”

“You didn’t actually expect us to try, did you?”

“Congrats on the first pick in the draft.”

“MJ!”

“Neither team deserved to win.”

“Me, play quarterback? Na, I have that Entourage movie to start filming.”

“Just to clarify, we are beating them, not bullying them.”

“Anybody know what Tebow is up to?”

“Bye everyone! Nice knowing you!”

“So you think we should throw Michael a Going Away Party?”

“Keep your hands to yourself. I don’t want to catch MRSA.”

“First off, I want to say it’s nice to finally see some familiar faces.”

“This seems like a good hiding place for all the videotapes of the Texans.”

“Why can’t we win?!?!”

“And please God, let me play on a different team next year.”

“I believe I can fly!”

“Alright, on three we’re gonna shove it up their…”

“And back into irrelevance we go!”

“Congrats on your professional remake of ‘The Longest Yard’.”

“I’m gonna throw a touchdown to that end zone!”

“Tell Fox I’m keeping the job.”

“Remember Eli, Santa is watching. Now go be a good quarterback.”

“Hey be nice! Santa is watching!”

NFL Captions: Week 12

“We’re here! We suck! Get used to it!”

“Yes, I’m aware it’s 2 months after Labor Day.”

“I know our owner is a Steelers fan, but still…”

“Hold on a sec. Does this neck warmer make my face look ridiculous?”

“Dude, I told you, I’m not into all this PDA. Get off your knees.”

“Don’t you even look at me!”

“Is it too late to challenge the first 10 weeks of the season?”

“When I said I wanted one of our old QBs back, I didn’t mean Flynn.”

“You guys should try these. Sure the protection is weaker, but it’s way warmer than a helmet.”

“They say a tie is like kissing your sister. And no, my sister doesn’t mind the tickle.”

“Look, I know you’re confused. But until Magnum here shaves that thing, you’re our best option.”

“I guess it only takes one loss for a team to lose confidence in Coach Reid.”

“Look guys! I can jump and be as tall as you!”

“This is the most disappointing menu I’ve seen since McDonald’s Breakfast at midnight.”

“Is that what I ordered? Oh dear.”

“I know it’s idiotic, but you can’t give him a penalty for shouting that he’s a ‘Black Unicorn’.”

“I’m just going to hold my foot here. And if a Bears player runs into it, so be it.”

“You wanna do this? After practice, behind the cafeteria. Where Coach can’t see us.”

“All by myself. Don’t wanna be…”

“Only elite quarterbacks like Tom Brady and me can pull off these hats.”

“Have you seen the hat Joe is wearing? It’s just awful.”

“Joe, we’ve been meaning to talk to you. You can’t pull off the hat.”

“I guess if this doesn’t work out, there’s always the other kind of football.”

“Hi Death. Sorry I made you wait 2 weeks, I’m all good to go now.”

“I used to be a Jags fan! This is what I get for jumping ship!”

“They’re going to make so many ‘Bad Luck’ puns.”
“You should hear all the ‘Luck Dynasty’ shit I get.”

“You catch that USC-Stanford game last week?”

“Hallelujah! The mythical end zone! We found it!”

“Good effort tonight. And I love you as the kid on ‘2 and a Half Men’.”

“Wes looks so good standing on that sideline…”

“I hate running into exes.”

“I hope he didn’t see that.”

“Is it just me, or does Tom really have a type?”

“Yoohoo! Wes!”

“Can’t you see he’s moved on?”

“Why won’t he love me?!?”

NFL Captions: Week 10

“And they said having 3 quarterbacks was like having no quarterbacks.”

“LOUD NOISES!”

“He only has one foot down!”

“On 3, name your favorite video game, 1, 2, 3!”
“Angry Birds!”
“Did we just become best friends?”
“Yep.”

“Julio Jones? The guy sitting on the bench? Yeah, I think I can cover him.”

Please God, don’t let this effect my contract negotiations

“You may not have heard while you were in Canada, but I’m not very good at this whole handshake thing.”

“Hey, you talk to Brett lately? What’s he up to today?”

“We sent a private plane to Mississippi. Just get us through the next 3 drives.”

“Have I told you white guys how much I love you lately?”

“I swear to God, make one more ‘Hurt Locker’ joke…”

“Drink it in boys. We won’t have much to celebrate until the draft.”

“Why do I feel like this camoflauge isn’t working?”

“Fluke-o strikes again suckers!”

“Win or lose guys. Those are the options.”

“Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?”

“Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?”

“You can hide under that towel for now, but come December, I’ll find you.”

“Coaching this team might give me a heart attack.”

“I’ll call you later and we can talk about not having quarterbacks.”

“Don’t you worry, our offense is doing fine without you.”

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to share?”

“I’ve got nothing. You wanna give it a go?”

“Suck it Jerry!”

NFL Captions: Week 9

“Coach Philbin! They’re being mean again!”

“You already took my soul! What more do you want?”

“Ryan, for the last time we use our words on this team.”

“Yep, Denver is waiting for you right over that horizon, there.”

“Excuse me! I ordered Buffalo Wings, not Buffalo Bills!”

“Why does that fat guy get to catch passes and I don’t?”

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship if you get me the ball 20 times a game.”

“Hey! Since when are we allowed to put descriptions of our dicks on the back of our jerseys?”

“Easy on the head-to-head stuff Jimmy. Don’t give Roger any ammunition.”

“It’s like looking into a thin, hairless mirror.”

“Thank God Halloween is over. Those damn kids kept trying to carve my face.”

“Guys, please, tell me where in the rulebook it says I can’t be a douchebag.”

“Look! In the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Well, it’s sure as hell not a falcon.”

“Why the hell are we down three touchdowns to the Bucs?”

“I know it sounds crazy, but our only choice is to go for the interpletion.”

“You guys gotta hit them from behind, like this!”

“Vick? Who the hell is Vick?”

“Well, I guess I’m unemployed now…”

“Are you sure we’re winning? Because that’s so not what we were going for.”

“Who needs Jadaveon Clowney anyways?”

“Right here! We’ll take him!”

“Gronk, am I fist-pumping right?”

“You’re not Wes.”

“Hey, do we maybe wanna try playing defense out there?”

“Whatever you do, don’t show that trophy to Vladmir Putin.”

“Who put this giant football here?”

“You’re probably better off going back to the hoodie.”

 

“Live from Houston, it’s Sunday Night?”

“Guys, I think our Cease and Desist order is missing a few letters.”

“You sure you want me to be a head coach in this state again?”

NFL Captions: Week 7

“Look, we all know you’re bald. There’s no use in wearing that hat.”

“I bet this is gonna look great in slow motion.”

“I love you Steven Jackson doppleganger!”

“You better not catch that. It’ll throw off our dance.”

“I’d rather be in the hospital with MRSA.”

“Crap, I called the wrong finger.”

“Whatever happened to that Tebow guy?”

“Watch out everybody, Chipotle farts.”

“And back into the foggy irrelevance for us.”

“Come on, do your black guy impersonation one more time.”

“Get over here and kiss me you big lug.”

“Sorry Bill, there just isn’t anything we can do to stop him from fist-pumping.”

“If I buy six more hoodies, I only need to do laundry once a week.”

“I’m not even going to tell you where my Tom Brady tattoo is. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s on my penis.”

“That Jason Garrett would make a mighty fine third quarterback…”

“Please please, hold your applause. I’m about to throw another interception.”

“BLURRED LINES!”

“Don’t worry guys, Rex Grossman is right over there and says he’s ready to go.”

“Why did we even bother cutting eye holes?”

“I either need glasses or larger tattoo font. This is getting ridiculous.”

“Good Lord, it’s beautiful.”

“This added crotch access is a game-changer.”

“So you’re saying throwing it to myself isn’t an option?”

“You know I can’t literally rub off on you, right?”

“You saw what Schaub was doing? Do the opposite of that.”

“Beer here!”

“Sure, the more Super Bowl wins, the more alert you are.”

“There’s something vaguely familiar about this place…”

“Damnit, I keep forgetting those blue jerseys aren’t my teammates any more.”

“This hurts more than Peyton leaving.”

NFL Captions: Week 6

“I wonder if I’m gonna get in trouble for being out this late on a weeknight.”

“Eli, this is the NFL. They don’t give out participation awards.”

“I can’t believe he’s throwing interceptions. That was my thing.”

“Crap, I can never manage to get 2 feet down.”

“Thank God I left baseball. There’s no crying in baseball.”

“You call me tubby one more time and I swear I’ll trade for Kaepernick.”

“You sure we can’t start Josh Freeman today?”

“So I guess what happens in London stays in London.”

“Come on buddy, let’s get you back to the bench where you belong.”

“Timeout. As long as we’re losing why don’t we put Sanchez back in?”

“I love having a white quarterback!”

“And please, Lord, don’t let any of us get MRSA.”

“So tell me again what your favorite thing about me is.”

“Without you, my ego would seem outrageous.”

“Do you feel well enough to throw another pick-six?”

“For $5 I will let you catch the first touchdown today.”

“No, playing you guys didn’t bore me too much.”

“Look, it’s not my fault that our running game score touchdowns too.”

“Sliding crotch first was a bad choice.”

“Okay, now Simon Says go throw a touchdown.”

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”

“I need an arm band that goes better with my eyes!”

“I’m telling you, there’s no bounty on Brady. He’s priceless.”

“I heard what you said, but I think we should just be friends.”

“Oh my God guys, did you hear the Kardashians are breaking up?!?”

“Same position. My place. 9 o’clock.”

“Hey, if you ever need another over-hyped, underperforming quarterback, give me a call.”

“This is my happy face.”

“I promise, I will not throw more than one interception tonight!”

“Yeah, Jessica’s butt was like this much bigger than Carrie’s.”

“I just wanted to tell you, I never stopped believing in you, Great Pumpkin.”

NFL Captions: Week 5

“Have you considered trading your best player? It’s worked miracles for us.”

“Who’s a ginger Ohio-based NFL quarterback with a a winning team? This guy!”

“But Mom I don’t want to wear a helmet!”

“They better not use this for the next Mighty Wings commercial.”

“Chugga-chugga choo-choo!”

“Eli, for the last time you can play train when the game is over.”

“Coach thinks he can ruin my game, well I’ll ruin his stupid football game.”

“And now introducing the next interim coach of the New Orleans Saints!”

“It’s not you, it’s the double coverage.”

“Give him a knuckle sandwich for me!”

“I knew talking to strangers wouldn’t end well.”

“You’re going to pretend you’re Wes Welker and you’re going to like it.”

“Be honest, does the light grey hoodie make me look fat?”

“I’m number one!”

“You sick of Aaron yet?” “Mmhmm”

“Oh my God! Memphis BBQ!”

“What do you mean you don’t have burnt ends?”

“If nothing else, we can agree that Kaepernick guy sucks.”

“Let’s hear it for putting the Jaguars on our schedule.”

“Whew, no more running for me for a good 5 years.”

“Put me down! I am not food!”

“So first one to 50 wins?”

“Yeah this is Texas, but they have way to many weapons to be legal.”

“It’s past my bedtime.”

“I’m not sold on Kaepernick, how would you like to be our new running quarterback?”

“Look at me! I’m a fountain!”

NFL Captions: Week 4

“Atta boy, that’s more points than last week already.”

“I don’t remember how to do this!”

“Do you know of anywhere else that is hiring?”

“This is worse than Book of Manning.”

“That Hansel is so hot right now.”

“Put your hands in the air if you’re a true playa.”

“I’m just gonna slowly back away as you all blame Schaub…”

“Ha, as if Lane Kiffin could coach an NFL team.”

“I am 3 episodes from catching up and if you tell me what happens to Jesse, I will kill you. Bitch.”

“I give this game a thumbs up. Not a big thumbs up, but still.”

“I wonder if college football still pays well.”

“2-2 baby! It doesn’t get better than this!”

“Now, back to what I do best. Interceptions away!”

“Yep, I’m still hungover.”

“My precious!”

“Relax, Tom Brady got his job back. And you’re a first round draft pick!”

“London! Stare at my immaturity!”

“That guy. I want that guy to play QB next week for us.”

“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

“Jazz Hands!”

“Well, we just got a new running back, but I’ll ask.”

“Hey at least you didn’t fumble after running into someone’s butt.”

“And now we play the waiting game…”

“Look, I’m Chip Kelly! Just kidding, we win games here.”

“1, 2, 3, 4. 4 touchdowns is probably enough Peyton.”

“What was your injury? I wanna fake it and sit until they fire Chip.”

“Sliding is so much easier on a baseball field!”

“For the last time, I can’t give Jerry Jones a penalty.”

“I hear dead people!”

 

“Hi, I’m here to audtion for the Number 23. I mean Patriots receiver, #23.”

“I am the one who knocks!”

“Did you set the DVR for an hour and a half or not? Breaking Bad is 75 minutes this week!”

“I am so sorry you had to miss the finale for this Tom.”

“To the DVR!”

“I’ve been in the locker room watching this whole time. Walt dies at the end, bitch.”

NFL Captions: Week 3

“Yep, a racist and a dog killer. Pretty standard around here.”

“Do you guys think anyone would notice if I joined your staff tonight? These fans are not happy with me.”

“And then Michael said, ‘I think I might start all 16 games this year.'”

“Let’s hustle guys, only 8 seconds ’til the next play starts.”

“I feel like I have a soul!”

“But I want ice cream now!”

“You be Robin, I’ll be Miley.”

“”If my head is so big, why does it fit in this helmet?”

“Nope, this doesn’t say anything about playing a ‘second half’.”

“If you keep playing well, you’re gonna cost us Jadaveon Clowney.”

“That’s alright, I wouldn’t want my autograph either.”

“Why can’t I get this kind of blocking in the game?”

“My mom told me not to talk to strangers.”

“God I miss the days when I could hit these kids.”

“Stranger Danger!”

“I wish I knew how to quit you.”

“I hate Subtember.”

“It’s $5,000 per knee on Fitzgerald or $20K if he goes out for the year.”

“It’s not you, it’s them. They just don’t like you in a bounty way.”

“Ed? Ray? Why aren’t you over here?”

“It’s so hard to dance in a suit!”

“And why is everyone so upset over Aaron Hernandez? I killed 2 dudes and y’all didn’t care.”

“Who thought it was a good idea to give Ray a microphone?”

“Nope, even at this angle our score still looks like a 0.”

“You guys have a really cool logo. When I grow up, I’m gonna get a cat.”

“Geno Smith, Rex Ryan, and Tim Tebow walk into a bar…”

“This is how I throw now! I’m re-revolutionizing the game!”

“You! You taught me how to do this!”

“I wish Marshawn would stop throwing those damn Skittles.”

“Hey you guys scored more than the 49ers. You’ve got that going for you.”

“And here’s one of me pretending to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa…”

“Someone tell me his feet are inbounds.”

“Get it? We’re circling you! Like vultures!”

NFL Captions: Week 2

“Are you Mark’s stunt double?”

“For Channel 4 News, I’m Ron Burgundy. You stay classy New England.”

“I know guys, the dry cleaners said the hoody wouldn’t be ready until Sunday.”

“Who the hell are these guys?”

“Is this the line to play quarterback?”

“This, right here, this is why I didn’t retire.”

“1-2-3-4 I declare a thumb war!”

“”Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

“Damn it Urlacher! How did you even get this number?”

“All by myself…”

“These State Farm commercials just keep getting worse.”

“Hot potato!”

“God damn you diabeetus!”

“Hey Romo, remember me?”

“No, why would I find the word ‘Redskins’ offensive?”

“”Shhh. Don’t fight it, just let it happen.”

“Can a brother get an ‘Amen’?”

“Why do you suck again Joe?”

“Oh my God! We’re having a baby!”

“Everyone gather around and feel what good hands are like.”

“I have a drinking problem.”

“Oh shit, it’s Darren Sharper!”

“Never leave me again!”

“You and me? Against the other 20 guys on the field? Yeah, I think we could take them.”

“Hi Mom!”

“Have we tried turning the lights off?”

“Look me in the eye and tell me that Mark Sanchez should’ve left college early.”

“Whatever happens, just remember I love you way more than I ever loved Alex.”