Thanks to Steph Curry, Lebron James and cavalcade of emerging superstars, triple-doubles, and funeral-level rivalries, the NBA has begun to march on Roger Goodell’s concussion throne to re-establish basketball at the premier spectator sport. While other sites have been arguing over the semantics of little things like this year’s MVP, we’ve revived Breakfast of Chumpions to discuss more important things, like who in the NBA is getting jiggy with it.
While many athletes (yes, even golfers now thanks to Tiger) have been known to clean up at the visiting team hotels, basketball players have to compare themselves to legends like the Mailman Karl Malone. So for the 2016-2017 season we’ve named this year’s NBA Ball Stars, the player on each team who is likely to have the most magic johnson.
Dwight Howard allegedly has five children from five different ‘relationships’. But Kris Humphries can still pull any girl who wants to be Eskimo Sisters with Kim Kardashian, and for some reason that’s a lot of people.
Crowder? I barely know her!
You would think the answer here would be no one, but Jeremy Lin is still big in China. I mean literally, he’s seven inches taller than the average Chinese man
No one in the Hornets organization is more up on what girls are into these days than Frank the Tank Kaminsky. As the league’s premier Game of Thrones fan, he has invited many Charlotte Hornies over to slay his dragon
Nothing plays with the ladies like “Tonight might be my last night in Chicago” and Jimmy Butler has been rocking that line since 2013
LeBron James? No. Kyrie Irving? Think again. JR Smith? Put a shirt on. While those three may hoist the most shots, it falls to Tristan Thompson to get all the rebounds
Shea Serrano may have called him a “highly regarded non-threat” on the court, but Dirk Nowitzki is still a legend between the sheets
Look, no player on this team is doing much on or off the court these days. But I don’t think it’s nearly talked about enough that Stan Van Gundy does bear a certain semblance to Ron Jeremy…
Golden State Warriors
If you’re not a single female, delete Draymond Green from your Snapchat contacts
He’s the favorite for MVP, his beard is the stuff of legend, and he loves to get other people going. James Harden has so much going for him, that the ladies forgive him for re-popularizing “Seven Seconds or Less”
Paul George (see Butler, Jimmy)
A season ago it would have been Blake Griffin, but DeAndre Jordan is now the league’s premier finisher
This one is tough. It should easily be Nick Young, but DeAngelo Russell is there with him 100% of the way working the camera
And now for the box score, Chandler Parsons: DNP – VD
Despite the quips from Bill Simmons and Zach Lowe that they are the lone inhabitants, this season has shown an uptick in overnight visitors to Waiters Island
He’s a seven-footer with all the right moves. Ladies and Gentlemen: Thon Maker the Heart Breaker
Some consider him an NBA bust given the hype from years back, but this soft-spoken Spaniard still has the softest touch in the Association: Ricky Rubio
New Orleans Pelicans
New York Knicks
This is a franchise littered with a history of being terrible to women. So we’ll acknowledge point guard, role model, and children’s author Ron Baker for leading the way in appropriate humane behavior.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Russell Westbrook is a triple-double machine, and the “Fuck-You Game” heir apparent to Kobe, but when it comes to off the court double teams, there’s a reason they call Adams and Kanter the Stache Brothers
This is the hardest one on the list. By default it’s probably Aaron Gordon as the only one who gets recognized outside the Amway Center
If we’re going to say Joel Embiid is eligible for this award despite his limited minutes, then I guess we have to consider Ben Simmons too. And no one raises the cats like Ben Simmons
Jared Freakin’ Studly
On a team full of four-year college guys who live with their moms, the honor is split between two Big Ten products who have the game in their name: Noah Vonleh and Jake Layman
After Boogie took his talents to the Bayou, there’s a new king in Sac-Town and it’s the Ryan Lewis to their Ben McLemore, mister Buddy Hield!
San Antonio Spurs
Parker has the French flair, Kawhi has an erotica short story, but even in his post-prime seasons only Pau Gasol can score at the cultured museums of the NBA’s finest cities and later that night work this line at the clubs “Hi ladies, I’m Marc Gasol”
I don’t know, I assume Demare Carroll has done something in his two seasons on the Drakes
As the newcomers to the West playoffs the Jazz are the darlings of the NBA beat this season, but the darling of Salt Lake City, no matter how hard Gordon Hayward tries, will always be Jimmer Fredette. He’s outscoring the Jazz in Utah all the way from China. (Honorable mention, Andrei Kirilenko)
I’m just saying, there’s probably a reason he earned the nickname “The Polish Hammer”