The 2016-2017 NBA Ball Stars

Thanks to Steph Curry, Lebron James and cavalcade of emerging superstars, triple-doubles, and funeral-level rivalries, the NBA has begun to march on Roger Goodell’s concussion throne to re-establish basketball at the premier spectator sport. While other sites have been arguing over the semantics of little things like this year’s MVP, we’ve revived Breakfast of Chumpions to discuss more important things, like who in the NBA is getting jiggy with it.

While many athletes (yes, even golfers now thanks to Tiger) have been known to clean up at the visiting team hotels, basketball players have to compare themselves to legends like the Mailman Karl Malone. So for the 2016-2017 season we’ve named this year’s NBA Ball Stars, the player on each team who is likely to have the most magic johnson.


Atlanta Hawks

Dwight Howard allegedly has five children from five different ‘relationships’. But Kris Humphries can still pull any girl who wants to be Eskimo Sisters with Kim Kardashian, and for some reason that’s a lot of people.

Boston Celtics

Crowder? I barely know her!

Brooklyn Nets

You would think the answer here would be no one, but Jeremy Lin is still big in China. I mean literally, he’s seven inches taller than the average Chinese man

Charlotte Hornets

No one in the Hornets organization is more up on what girls are into these days than Frank the Tank Kaminsky. As the league’s premier Game of Thrones fan, he has invited many Charlotte Hornies over to slay his dragon

Chicago Bulls

Nothing plays with the ladies like “Tonight might be my last night in Chicago” and Jimmy Butler has been rocking that line since 2013

Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron James? No. Kyrie Irving? Think again. JR Smith? Put a shirt on. While those three may hoist the most shots, it falls to Tristan Thompson to get all the rebounds

Dallas Mavericks

Shea Serrano may have called him a “highly regarded non-threat” on the court, but Dirk Nowitzki is still a legend between the sheets

Denver Nuggets

The Manimal.

Detroit Pistons

Look, no player on this team is doing much on or off the court these days. But I don’t think it’s nearly talked about enough that Stan Van Gundy does bear a certain semblance to Ron Jeremy…

Golden State Warriors

If you’re not a single female, delete Draymond Green from your Snapchat contacts

Houston Rockets

He’s the favorite for MVP, his beard is the stuff of legend, and he loves to get other people going. James Harden has so much going for him, that the ladies forgive him for re-popularizing “Seven Seconds or Less”

Indiana Pacers

Paul George (see Butler, Jimmy)

LA Clippers

A season ago it would have been Blake Griffin, but DeAndre Jordan is now the league’s premier finisher

LA Lakers

This one is tough. It should easily be Nick Young, but DeAngelo Russell is there with him 100% of the way working the camera

Memphis Grizzlies

And now for the box score, Chandler Parsons: DNP – VD

Miami Heat

Despite the quips from Bill Simmons and Zach Lowe that they are the lone inhabitants, this season has shown an uptick in overnight visitors to Waiters Island

Milwaukee Bucks

He’s a seven-footer with all the right moves. Ladies and Gentlemen: Thon Maker the Heart Breaker

Minnesota Timberwolves

Some consider him an NBA bust given the hype from years back, but this soft-spoken Spaniard still has the softest touch in the Association: Ricky Rubio

New Orleans Pelicans

Bayou Boogie!

New York Knicks

This is a franchise littered with a history of being terrible to women. So we’ll acknowledge point guard, role model, and children’s author Ron Baker for leading the way in appropriate humane behavior.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Russell Westbrook is a triple-double machine, and the “Fuck-You Game” heir apparent to Kobe, but when it comes to off the court double teams, there’s a reason they call Adams and Kanter the Stache Brothers

Image result for stache brothers okc

Orland Magic

This is the hardest one on the list. By default it’s probably Aaron Gordon as the only one who gets recognized outside the Amway Center

Philadelphia 76ers

If we’re going to say Joel Embiid is eligible for this award despite his limited minutes, then I guess we have to consider Ben Simmons too. And no one raises the cats like Ben Simmons

Phoenix Suns

Jared Freakin’ Studly

Portland Trailblazers

On a team full of four-year college guys who live with their moms, the honor is split between two Big Ten products who have the game in their name: Noah Vonleh and Jake Layman

Sacramento Kings

After Boogie took his talents to the Bayou, there’s a new king in Sac-Town and it’s the Ryan Lewis to their Ben McLemore, mister Buddy Hield!

San Antonio Spurs

Parker has the French flair, Kawhi has an erotica short story, but even in his post-prime seasons only Pau Gasol can score at the cultured museums of the NBA’s finest cities and later that night work this line at the clubs “Hi ladies, I’m Marc Gasol”

Toronto Raptors

I don’t know, I assume Demare Carroll has done something in his two seasons on the Drakes

Utah Jazz

As the newcomers to the West playoffs the Jazz are the darlings of the NBA beat this season, but the darling of Salt Lake City, no matter how hard Gordon Hayward tries, will always be Jimmer Fredette. He’s outscoring the Jazz in Utah all the way from China. (Honorable mention, Andrei Kirilenko)

Washington Wizards

I’m just saying, there’s probably a reason he earned the nickname “The Polish Hammer”

NFL Captions: Week 8

“Look at my number haha.”

“In the sky! It’s one of Jay’s interceptions coming back through the atmosphere!”

“MJ!”

“I totally earned this hat.”

“Like this! Catch the ball using two hands like this!”

“What happened to winning forever?”

“So, let’s try and keep this thing to single digits.”

“Discount Doublecheck is nowhere on here…”

“This is a bunch of Mularkey!”

“You’re my little good luck charm now.”

“Attention people of Tennessee. You are getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers you will wake up and forget who Peyton Manning was.”

“Totally winning best dressed coach of this game.”

“Look, the queen!”

 

“Has coach changed clothes since we got off the plane?”

“I’m forgetting something… What was it?”

“Yeah, it’s a sulk cap.”

“Really? You again?”

“I had fun watching Mark screw up too!”

“What would a Romney administration do with this team?”

“I am not a crook! Or a dog killer!”

“Do these stripes make me look fat?”

“Ah! I’m allergic to bees!”

“One second, I’m preparing for the interception.”

“I am the best wide receiver on the Cowboys!”

“Can’t intercept what I don’t throw!”

“Roar!”

“This makes absolutely no sense. Do I throw to the Xs or the Os?”

“This is boring, when do the playoffs start?”

“Somebody get me some damn waffle fries!”

“Wait, that wasn’t the finger I meant to throw. Stupid finger-ception.”

“Remember? Al Davis? Kind of looked like this?”

“It’s going in that general area. I can’t give any further details.”

“Hey, I’m doing just as well as the other interim guy!”

“Thanks, you have a beautiful forehead too Drew.”

NFL Captions: Week 7

“I don’t want my team to see what I’m yelling. You’re doing a great job!”

“Down boy.”

“Congratulations on being 90% of our offense.”

“Hey, I’m an elite quarterback down here.”

“I came back for this?”

“I don’t know guys, we’ve already used everything.”

“It’s a bird, it’s a plane… Oh shit, it’s an interception.”

“Hey defensive backs! 300, dead or alive!”

“We look even worse as Creamsicles.”

“You do realize there’s no way Goodell is going to let this game count?”

“Okay, you’re turn to lose the ball.”

“That’s five more wins than I thought we’d get!”

“Favre Style!”

“Discount double-kick!”

“Congrats on going straight from college to being an old, washed-up quarterback on an awful team.”

“Is this what a run is supposed to look like?”

“Thanks for showing up. See you next week?”

“Tag, you’re it!”

“Concussion symptoms on 3!”

“Did we win? Oh, cool.”

“Good game Bob.”

“Sideline, sweet sideline. You’ll be my new home.”

“Well, there goes Ruxin’s season.”

“No touching of the hair or face. That’s the rule sir.”

“Tebow-Time”

“So how do you like playing linebacker? Rex has me on the depth chart there next week.”

“Wait, you’re this team’s quarterback?”

“I honestly don’t recognize any of those guys playing running back.”

“Hey up there! This qualifies as consent.”

NFL Captions: Week 6

“Hey Roethlisberger, you’re a loser. With a lower case L.”

“Just throw up in your mouth a little bit?” “Yep.”

“Everybody’s hands go up…”

“And they stay there!”

“Who let that small child onto the field?”

“I’m not crying because we lost. I’m crying because we’re in Cleveland.”

“And good luck raising the bail money for half of your team next week.”

“Stop watching Star Wars before all our games. Force grip doesn’t exist.”

“Come help me plant this Bush.”

“First down, it’s a miracle!”

“Well, this is awkward…”

“Sorry Tim, I just saw my shadow so that’s three more weeks of Sanchez.”

“Ball still in my hand, this is progress.”

“Just don’t let him take a bite out of you.”

“Practice makes perfect coach.”

“Hashtag Quinn-ing”

“Maybe that whole ‘Wait until the last second to start playing’ theory was off.”

“He’s just as soft as the real thing, and has a higher QBR!”

“How’s that bench taste Orton?”

“Shhh! Don’t say they aren’t elite, they’re right behind you.”

“Next time you should sack him like this.”

“This man needs a doctor. His hype level is inappropriately high.”

“Hell, if Wes Welker can be an NFL player, I’m sure you can too.”

“Good job, guy who’s not Gronkowski.”

“Ref, you saw that! He touched me!”

“So when you catch a touchdown you’re supposed to have possession of the ball? Weird.”

“Look, as long as you don’t swallow your own tongue we’re going to keep you out there.”

“No man, I think ‘pondering’ is already a word.”

“Eli stay. Good boy.”

“Okay, on 3 I’ll throw this so-called ‘football’.”

“So when the defense is on the field, I stand over here?”

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

“No means no!”

“What would David Tyree do?”

“I have no idea what just happened, but that is a really cool hat.”

“Undecided 2012!”

“Gangnam Stlye!”

“How does this work for a touchdown dance?”

“Huh, I guess Favre did teach me something.”

NFL Captions: Week 5

“No! Michael’s Secret Stuff wore off!”

“Yep, and they even let Michael run drunk. Good to have you back.”

“No, don’t say that. I’m sure no one will start calling getting a concussion ‘Griffining’.”

“Look, I’m ‘Griffining’!… and fumbling.”

“It hurts right in the pride.”

“Hey! Let go! I’m an elite quarterback!”

“Free hugs!”

“Yeah let’s speed this up, I just discount double-deuced myself.”

“Time to go watch Peyton vs Brady!”

“Can I challenge the way my team is playing?”

“This would really suck if I had a soul.”

“No, I’m pretty sure Cruz does it one arm at a time, but close.”

“I want a foam finger like that guy!”

“Hmm, even upside down we’re kicking these guys’ butts.”

“I hope Rex Ryan is watching. Hear he needs a quarterback.”

“I’ve never seen two refs agree with each other before.”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna sit here ’til the rest of this team gets on my level.”

“Hi, thanks for reffing that Jaguars-Vikings game for me.”

“Man, am I hung over.”

“Hmm, we look pretty good against these guys.”

“You think this is empty? You should see it when we play the Browns.”

“Today the sun, is shining down on me.”

“Come on Harvard, 45-3 isn’t winning. You know better than that.”

“Elbows up, side to side.”

“Hey Brady look! It’s Eli! Scared?”

“So can you just make sure Eli sees me beating a Manning?”

“Woo! First good thing to happen all season!”

“Okay, your turn to be the big spoon.”