The 2016-2017 NBA Ball Stars

Thanks to Steph Curry, Lebron James and cavalcade of emerging superstars, triple-doubles, and funeral-level rivalries, the NBA has begun to march on Roger Goodell’s concussion throne to re-establish basketball at the premier spectator sport. While other sites have been arguing over the semantics of little things like this year’s MVP, we’ve revived Breakfast of Chumpions to discuss more important things, like who in the NBA is getting jiggy with it.

While many athletes (yes, even golfers now thanks to Tiger) have been known to clean up at the visiting team hotels, basketball players have to compare themselves to legends like the Mailman Karl Malone. So for the 2016-2017 season we’ve named this year’s NBA Ball Stars, the player on each team who is likely to have the most magic johnson.


Atlanta Hawks

Dwight Howard allegedly has five children from five different ‘relationships’. But Kris Humphries can still pull any girl who wants to be Eskimo Sisters with Kim Kardashian, and for some reason that’s a lot of people.

Boston Celtics

Crowder? I barely know her!

Brooklyn Nets

You would think the answer here would be no one, but Jeremy Lin is still big in China. I mean literally, he’s seven inches taller than the average Chinese man

Charlotte Hornets

No one in the Hornets organization is more up on what girls are into these days than Frank the Tank Kaminsky. As the league’s premier Game of Thrones fan, he has invited many Charlotte Hornies over to slay his dragon

Chicago Bulls

Nothing plays with the ladies like “Tonight might be my last night in Chicago” and Jimmy Butler has been rocking that line since 2013

Cleveland Cavaliers

LeBron James? No. Kyrie Irving? Think again. JR Smith? Put a shirt on. While those three may hoist the most shots, it falls to Tristan Thompson to get all the rebounds

Dallas Mavericks

Shea Serrano may have called him a “highly regarded non-threat” on the court, but Dirk Nowitzki is still a legend between the sheets

Denver Nuggets

The Manimal.

Detroit Pistons

Look, no player on this team is doing much on or off the court these days. But I don’t think it’s nearly talked about enough that Stan Van Gundy does bear a certain semblance to Ron Jeremy…

Golden State Warriors

If you’re not a single female, delete Draymond Green from your Snapchat contacts

Houston Rockets

He’s the favorite for MVP, his beard is the stuff of legend, and he loves to get other people going. James Harden has so much going for him, that the ladies forgive him for re-popularizing “Seven Seconds or Less”

Indiana Pacers

Paul George (see Butler, Jimmy)

LA Clippers

A season ago it would have been Blake Griffin, but DeAndre Jordan is now the league’s premier finisher

LA Lakers

This one is tough. It should easily be Nick Young, but DeAngelo Russell is there with him 100% of the way working the camera

Memphis Grizzlies

And now for the box score, Chandler Parsons: DNP – VD

Miami Heat

Despite the quips from Bill Simmons and Zach Lowe that they are the lone inhabitants, this season has shown an uptick in overnight visitors to Waiters Island

Milwaukee Bucks

He’s a seven-footer with all the right moves. Ladies and Gentlemen: Thon Maker the Heart Breaker

Minnesota Timberwolves

Some consider him an NBA bust given the hype from years back, but this soft-spoken Spaniard still has the softest touch in the Association: Ricky Rubio

New Orleans Pelicans

Bayou Boogie!

New York Knicks

This is a franchise littered with a history of being terrible to women. So we’ll acknowledge point guard, role model, and children’s author Ron Baker for leading the way in appropriate humane behavior.

Oklahoma City Thunder

Russell Westbrook is a triple-double machine, and the “Fuck-You Game” heir apparent to Kobe, but when it comes to off the court double teams, there’s a reason they call Adams and Kanter the Stache Brothers

Image result for stache brothers okc

Orland Magic

This is the hardest one on the list. By default it’s probably Aaron Gordon as the only one who gets recognized outside the Amway Center

Philadelphia 76ers

If we’re going to say Joel Embiid is eligible for this award despite his limited minutes, then I guess we have to consider Ben Simmons too. And no one raises the cats like Ben Simmons

Phoenix Suns

Jared Freakin’ Studly

Portland Trailblazers

On a team full of four-year college guys who live with their moms, the honor is split between two Big Ten products who have the game in their name: Noah Vonleh and Jake Layman

Sacramento Kings

After Boogie took his talents to the Bayou, there’s a new king in Sac-Town and it’s the Ryan Lewis to their Ben McLemore, mister Buddy Hield!

San Antonio Spurs

Parker has the French flair, Kawhi has an erotica short story, but even in his post-prime seasons only Pau Gasol can score at the cultured museums of the NBA’s finest cities and later that night work this line at the clubs “Hi ladies, I’m Marc Gasol”

Toronto Raptors

I don’t know, I assume Demare Carroll has done something in his two seasons on the Drakes

Utah Jazz

As the newcomers to the West playoffs the Jazz are the darlings of the NBA beat this season, but the darling of Salt Lake City, no matter how hard Gordon Hayward tries, will always be Jimmer Fredette. He’s outscoring the Jazz in Utah all the way from China. (Honorable mention, Andrei Kirilenko)

Washington Wizards

I’m just saying, there’s probably a reason he earned the nickname “The Polish Hammer”

NFL Captions: Week 2

"Are you Mark's stunt double?"

“Are you Mark’s stunt double?”

"For Channel 4 News, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy New England."

“For Channel 4 News, I’m Ron Burgundy. You stay classy New England.”

"I know guys, the dry cleaners said the hoody wouldn't be ready until Sunday."

“I know guys, the dry cleaners said the hoody wouldn’t be ready until Sunday.”

"Who the hell are these guys?"

“Who the hell are these guys?”

"Is this the line to play quarterback?"

“Is this the line to play quarterback?”

"This, right here, this is why I didn't retire."

“This, right here, this is why I didn’t retire.”

"1-2-3-4 I declare a thumb war!"

“1-2-3-4 I declare a thumb war!”

""Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

“”Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

"Damn it Urlacher! How did you even get this number?"

“Damn it Urlacher! How did you even get this number?”

"All by myself..."

“All by myself…”

"These State Farm commercials just keep getting worse."

“These State Farm commercials just keep getting worse.”

"Hot potato!"

“Hot potato!”

"God damn you diabeetus!"

“God damn you diabeetus!”

"Hey Romo, remember me?"

“Hey Romo, remember me?”

"No, why would I find the word 'Redskins' offensive?"

“No, why would I find the word ‘Redskins’ offensive?”

""Shhh. Don't fight it, just let it happen."

“”Shhh. Don’t fight it, just let it happen.”

"Can a brother get an 'Amen'?"

“Can a brother get an ‘Amen’?”

"Why do you suck again Joe?"

“Why do you suck again Joe?”

"Oh my God! We're having a baby!"

“Oh my God! We’re having a baby!”

"Everyone gather around and feel what good hands are like."

“Everyone gather around and feel what good hands are like.”

"I have a drinking problem."

“I have a drinking problem.”

"Oh shit, it's Darren Sharper!"

“Oh shit, it’s Darren Sharper!”

"Never leave me again!"

“Never leave me again!”

"You and me? Against the other 20 guys on the field? Yeah, I think we could take them."

“You and me? Against the other 20 guys on the field? Yeah, I think we could take them.”

"Hi Mom!"

“Hi Mom!”

"Have we tried turning the lights off?"

“Have we tried turning the lights off?”

"Look me in the eye and tell me that Mark Sanchez should've left college early."

“Look me in the eye and tell me that Mark Sanchez should’ve left college early.”

"Whatever happens, just remember I love you way more than I ever loved Alex."

“Whatever happens, just remember I love you way more than I ever loved Alex.”

 

NFL Captions: Week 1

Image

“To the cloud!”

Image

“You get a touchdown, and you get a touchdown. Everybody gets a touchdown!”

Image

“With Joe as the leader of this team now, my confidence would be injured too.”

Image

“Are we done yet?”

Image

“Say my name! Say it!”
“Heizenberg?”

Image

“Hi-five bro.”

Image

“We may need to borrow a few of your “Get Out of Jail Free’ cards…”

Image

“No touching of the hair or face!”

Image

“Is it just me, or do I do a great impression of the new logo?”

Image

“And Miley was all like…”

Image

“I’ll take this to the end zone, you take yourself to the bench.”

Image

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!”

Image

“Are we really still on the Raiders?”

Image

“Pinkies up. You stay classy Indianapolis.”

Image

“I’m back bitches.”

Image

“Ice Ice Baby on 3!”

Image

“$10,000,000 for whoever concusses Goodell.”

Image

“This lamaze shit is tough.”

Image

“I know! I told them you’d be our best QB too!”

Image

“Anyone have any ideas? Other than bringing Tim back?”

Image

“Dear Lord, I know I haven’t been the nicest guy, but she was really fucking hot…”

Image

“I hope no one saw me trip.”

Image

“Stop Joe! Don’t you know it’s rude to hit a lady?”

Image

“This fatty just won’t go down.”

Image

“You’re not getting out of here without giving me your autograph!”

Image

“Mr. Referee! He’s calling me names!”

Image

“Eli! I’m ready for you!”

Image

“This is an angry group hug.”

NFL Captions: Divisional Round

"Ray Lewis has, in fact, threatened my life. Unfortunately, we will be forced to let him win."

“Ray Lewis has, in fact, threatened my life. Unfortunately, we will be forced to let him win.”

"Guns don't kill people. I kill people."

“Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.”

"Quit scoring return touchdowns! Our defense is getting tired!"

“Quit scoring return touchdowns! Our defense is getting tired!”

"Please can I win a cold weather game Ray?"

“Please can I win a cold weather game Ray?”

"I love that this thing has crotch access."

“I love that this thing has crotch access.”

"See? Only elite quarterbacks get hugs!"

“See? Only elite quarterbacks get hugs!”

"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

“Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

"Hey, can I challenge drafting Alex Smith ahead of Rodgers?"

“Hey, can I challenge drafting Alex Smith ahead of Rodgers?”

"All by myself..."

“All by myself…”

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."

“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

"At least I get another week to work on State Farm commercials."

“At least I get another week to work on State Farm commercials.”

"And then we'll put a flaming bag of poop on Alex's doorstep!"

“And then we’ll put a flaming bag of poop on Alex’s doorstep!”

"I wish they would replace you guys again."

“I wish they would replace you guys again.”

"Coach, interpletion isn't actually in our playbook."

“Coach, interpletion isn’t actually in our playbook.”

"It's still 10 AM Pacific time, we should be asleep."

“It’s still 10 AM Pacific time, we should be asleep.”

"Yeah, fuck it. Let's go for the onside kick."

“Yeah, fuck it. Let’s go for the onside kick.”

"Kiss and make up?"

“Kiss and make up?”

"We won a playoff game! I'm going to Disney World!"

“We won a playoff game! I’m going to Disney World!”

"So how about we let them hang around for 2, maybe 3 quarters?"

“So how about we let them hang around for 2, maybe 3 quarters?”

"Tom! There is literally no one within 50 feet of me!"

“Tom! There is literally no one within 50 feet of me!”

"You keep playing like this and I'm gonna have to put in the kid with the puffball hat."

“You keep playing like this and I’m gonna have to put in the kid with the puffball hat.”

"It has been an honor to continually lose here."

“It has been an honor to continually lose here.”

"NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!"

“NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!”

"I just want you to know, you're the only one I've ever really wanted to be ontop of."

“I just want you to know, you’re the only one I’ve ever really wanted to be ontop of.”

NFL Captions: Week 9

“Nope, defense is staying on the field. Apparently our best offense is just our defense.”

“It’s been a pleasure wondering why you aren’t as good as I think you are.”

“Congrats man, one more week of employment!”

“The fans seem less angsty this year.”

“One day, if you’re lucky, your hair will receed like mine.”

“You’re my white Marvin Harrison.”

“I know, but don’t let Joe know he’s not elite.”

“Beating the Browns, now that’s elite.”

“That guy would make a great extra in my next commercial.”

“Which receiver is this?”

“Good quarter guys, we’re gonna let the fans play the next 3 to even it out.”

“I forget whose turn it is to intercept it.”

“If I put the ball down here, they can’t find it.”

“Yeah! We have the same number of touchdowns!”

“You remind me a lot of this Peyton kid who once played here.”

“Not consensual!”

“Why not? Belichik can pull it off.”

“RG3 for Rookie of the Year!”

“Yeah, so have fun being the ‘better’ me.”

“We used to be Lions fans!”

“Why don’t we ever play any close games?”

“That dude took my number!”

“This has got to be a joke. NFL running can be this easy.”

“I actually caught that one!”

“Don’t get in the way of me winning forever!”

“I think you might win no-shave November.”

“No means no!”

“We could do worse…”

“Are you clapping sarcastically?”

NFL Captions: Week 8

“Look at my number haha.”

“In the sky! It’s one of Jay’s interceptions coming back through the atmosphere!”

“MJ!”

“I totally earned this hat.”

“Like this! Catch the ball using two hands like this!”

“What happened to winning forever?”

“So, let’s try and keep this thing to single digits.”

“Discount Doublecheck is nowhere on here…”

“This is a bunch of Mularkey!”

“You’re my little good luck charm now.”

“Attention people of Tennessee. You are getting very sleepy. When I snap my fingers you will wake up and forget who Peyton Manning was.”

“Totally winning best dressed coach of this game.”

“Look, the queen!”

 

“Has coach changed clothes since we got off the plane?”

“I’m forgetting something… What was it?”

“Yeah, it’s a sulk cap.”

“Really? You again?”

“I had fun watching Mark screw up too!”

“What would a Romney administration do with this team?”

“I am not a crook! Or a dog killer!”

“Do these stripes make me look fat?”

“Ah! I’m allergic to bees!”

“One second, I’m preparing for the interception.”

“I am the best wide receiver on the Cowboys!”

“Can’t intercept what I don’t throw!”

“Roar!”

“This makes absolutely no sense. Do I throw to the Xs or the Os?”

“This is boring, when do the playoffs start?”

“Somebody get me some damn waffle fries!”

“Wait, that wasn’t the finger I meant to throw. Stupid finger-ception.”

“Remember? Al Davis? Kind of looked like this?”

“It’s going in that general area. I can’t give any further details.”

“Hey, I’m doing just as well as the other interim guy!”

“Thanks, you have a beautiful forehead too Drew.”

NFL Captions: Week 6

“Hey Roethlisberger, you’re a loser. With a lower case L.”

“Just throw up in your mouth a little bit?” “Yep.”

“Everybody’s hands go up…”

“And they stay there!”

“Who let that small child onto the field?”

“I’m not crying because we lost. I’m crying because we’re in Cleveland.”

“And good luck raising the bail money for half of your team next week.”

“Stop watching Star Wars before all our games. Force grip doesn’t exist.”

“Come help me plant this Bush.”

“First down, it’s a miracle!”

“Well, this is awkward…”

“Sorry Tim, I just saw my shadow so that’s three more weeks of Sanchez.”

“Ball still in my hand, this is progress.”

“Just don’t let him take a bite out of you.”

“Practice makes perfect coach.”

“Hashtag Quinn-ing”

“Maybe that whole ‘Wait until the last second to start playing’ theory was off.”

“He’s just as soft as the real thing, and has a higher QBR!”

“How’s that bench taste Orton?”

“Shhh! Don’t say they aren’t elite, they’re right behind you.”

“Next time you should sack him like this.”

“This man needs a doctor. His hype level is inappropriately high.”

“Hell, if Wes Welker can be an NFL player, I’m sure you can too.”

“Good job, guy who’s not Gronkowski.”

“Ref, you saw that! He touched me!”

“So when you catch a touchdown you’re supposed to have possession of the ball? Weird.”

“Look, as long as you don’t swallow your own tongue we’re going to keep you out there.”

“No man, I think ‘pondering’ is already a word.”

“Eli stay. Good boy.”

“Okay, on 3 I’ll throw this so-called ‘football’.”

“So when the defense is on the field, I stand over here?”

“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”

“No means no!”

“What would David Tyree do?”

“I have no idea what just happened, but that is a really cool hat.”

“Undecided 2012!”

“Gangnam Stlye!”

“How does this work for a touchdown dance?”

“Huh, I guess Favre did teach me something.”