NFL Captions: Week 13

"It's me, Luigi!"

“It’s me, Luigi!”

"Why do we always have to work on Thanksgiving?"

“Why do we always have to work on Thanksgiving?”

"I think I'm going to be sick."

“I think I’m going to be sick.”

"I really gotta work on my touchdown dances."

“I really gotta work on my touchdown dances.”

"I think they're highlighting us in Madden."

“I think they’re highlighting us in Madden.”

"Don't worry, I definitely won't trip any of your players tonight."

“Don’t worry, I definitely won’t trip any of your players tonight.”

"Mmm halftime snack."

“Mmm halftime snack.”

"Look who's wearing the elite hat now Joe!"

“Look who’s wearing the elite hat now Joe!”

"Only a few months until Clowney is playing for one of us."

“Only a few months until Clowney is playing for one of us.”

"You didn't actually expect us to try, did you?"

“You didn’t actually expect us to try, did you?”

"Congrats on the first pick in the draft."

“Congrats on the first pick in the draft.”

"MJ!"

“MJ!”

"Neither team deserved to win."

“Neither team deserved to win.”

"Me, play quarterback? Na, I have that Entourage movie to start filming."

“Me, play quarterback? Na, I have that Entourage movie to start filming.”

"Just to clarify, we are beating them, not bullying them."

“Just to clarify, we are beating them, not bullying them.”

"Anybody know what Tebow is up to?"

“Anybody know what Tebow is up to?”

"Bye everyone! Nice knowing you!"

“Bye everyone! Nice knowing you!”

"So you think we should throw Michael a Going Away Party?"

“So you think we should throw Michael a Going Away Party?”

"Keep your hands to yourself. I don't want to catch MRSA."

“Keep your hands to yourself. I don’t want to catch MRSA.”

"First off, I want to say it's nice to finally see some familiar faces."

“First off, I want to say it’s nice to finally see some familiar faces.”

"This seems like a good hiding place for all the videotapes of the Texans."

“This seems like a good hiding place for all the videotapes of the Texans.”

"Why can't we win?!?!"

“Why can’t we win?!?!”

"And please God, let me play on a different team next year."

“And please God, let me play on a different team next year.”

"I believe I can fly!"

“I believe I can fly!”

"Alright, on three we're gonna shove it up their..."

“Alright, on three we’re gonna shove it up their…”

"And back into irrelevance we go!"

“And back into irrelevance we go!”

"Congrats on your professional remake of 'The Longest Yard'."

“Congrats on your professional remake of ‘The Longest Yard’.”

"I'm gonna throw a touchdown to that end zone!"

“I’m gonna throw a touchdown to that end zone!”

"Tell Fox I'm keeping the job."

“Tell Fox I’m keeping the job.”

"Remember Eli, Santa is watching. Now go be a good quarterback."

“Remember Eli, Santa is watching. Now go be a good quarterback.”

"Hey be nice! Santa is watching!"

“Hey be nice! Santa is watching!”

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NFL Captions: Week 12

"We're here! We suck! Get used to it!"

“We’re here! We suck! Get used to it!”

"Yes, I'm aware it's 2 months after Labor Day."

“Yes, I’m aware it’s 2 months after Labor Day.”

"I know our owner is a Steelers fan, but still..."

“I know our owner is a Steelers fan, but still…”

"Hold on a sec. Does this neck warmer make my face look ridiculous?"

“Hold on a sec. Does this neck warmer make my face look ridiculous?”

"Dude, I told you, I'm not into all this PDA. Get off your knees."

“Dude, I told you, I’m not into all this PDA. Get off your knees.”

"Don't you even look at me!"

“Don’t you even look at me!”

"Is it too late to challenge the first 10 weeks of the season?"

“Is it too late to challenge the first 10 weeks of the season?”

"When I said I wanted one of our old QBs back, I didn't mean Flynn."

“When I said I wanted one of our old QBs back, I didn’t mean Flynn.”

"You guys should try these. Sure the protection is weaker, but it's way warmer than a helmet."

“You guys should try these. Sure the protection is weaker, but it’s way warmer than a helmet.”

"They say a tie is like kissing your sister. And no, my sister doesn't mind the tickle."

“They say a tie is like kissing your sister. And no, my sister doesn’t mind the tickle.”

"Look, I know you're confused. But until Magnum here shaves that thing, you're our best option."

“Look, I know you’re confused. But until Magnum here shaves that thing, you’re our best option.”

"I guess it only takes one loss for a team to lose confidence in Coach Reid."

“I guess it only takes one loss for a team to lose confidence in Coach Reid.”

"Look guys! I can jump and be as tall as you!"

“Look guys! I can jump and be as tall as you!”

"This is the most disappointing menu I've seen since McDonald's Breakfast at midnight."

“This is the most disappointing menu I’ve seen since McDonald’s Breakfast at midnight.”

"Is that what I ordered? Oh dear."

“Is that what I ordered? Oh dear.”

"I know it's idiotic, but you can't give him a penalty for shouting that he's a 'Black Unicorn'."

“I know it’s idiotic, but you can’t give him a penalty for shouting that he’s a ‘Black Unicorn’.”

"I'm just going to hold my foot here. And if a Bears player runs into it, so be it."

“I’m just going to hold my foot here. And if a Bears player runs into it, so be it.”

"You wanna do this? After practice, behind the cafeteria. Where Coach can't see us."

“You wanna do this? After practice, behind the cafeteria. Where Coach can’t see us.”

"All by myself. Don't wanna be..."

“All by myself. Don’t wanna be…”

"Only elite quarterbacks like Tom Brady and me can pull off these hats."

“Only elite quarterbacks like Tom Brady and me can pull off these hats.”

"Have you seen the hat Joe is wearing? It's just awful."

“Have you seen the hat Joe is wearing? It’s just awful.”

"Joe, we've been meaning to talk to you. You can't pull off the hat."

“Joe, we’ve been meaning to talk to you. You can’t pull off the hat.”

"I guess if this doesn't work out, there's always the other kind of football."

“I guess if this doesn’t work out, there’s always the other kind of football.”

"Hi Death. Sorry I made you wait 2 weeks, I'm all good to go now."

“Hi Death. Sorry I made you wait 2 weeks, I’m all good to go now.”

"I used to be a Jags fan! This is what I get for jumping ship!"

“I used to be a Jags fan! This is what I get for jumping ship!”

"They're going to make so many 'Bad Luck' puns." "You should hear all the 'Luck Dynasty' shit I get."

“They’re going to make so many ‘Bad Luck’ puns.”
“You should hear all the ‘Luck Dynasty’ shit I get.”

"You catch that USC-Stanford game last week?"

“You catch that USC-Stanford game last week?”

"Hallelujah! The mythical end zone! We found it!"

“Hallelujah! The mythical end zone! We found it!”

"Good effort tonight. And I love you as the kid on '2 and a Half Men'."

“Good effort tonight. And I love you as the kid on ‘2 and a Half Men’.”

"Wes looks so good standing on that sideline..."

“Wes looks so good standing on that sideline…”

"I hate running into exes."

“I hate running into exes.”

"I hope he didn't see that."

“I hope he didn’t see that.”

"Is it just me, or does Tom really have a type?"

“Is it just me, or does Tom really have a type?”

"Yoohoo! Wes!"

“Yoohoo! Wes!”

"Can't you see he's moved on?"

“Can’t you see he’s moved on?”

"Why won't he love me?!?"

“Why won’t he love me?!?”

NFL Captions: Week 10

"And they said having 3 quarterbacks was like having no quarterbacks."

“And they said having 3 quarterbacks was like having no quarterbacks.”

"LOUD NOISES!"

“LOUD NOISES!”

"He only has one foot down!"

“He only has one foot down!”

"On 3, name your favorite video game, 1, 2, 3!"  "Angry Birds!"  "Did we just become best friends?"  "Yep."

“On 3, name your favorite video game, 1, 2, 3!”
“Angry Birds!”
“Did we just become best friends?”
“Yep.”

"Julio Jones? The guy sitting on the bench? Yeah, I think I can cover him."

“Julio Jones? The guy sitting on the bench? Yeah, I think I can cover him.”

Please God, don't let this effect my contract negotiations

Please God, don’t let this effect my contract negotiations

"You may not have heard while you were in Canada, but I'm not very good at this whole handshake thing."

“You may not have heard while you were in Canada, but I’m not very good at this whole handshake thing.”

"Hey, you talk to Brett lately? What's he up to today?"

“Hey, you talk to Brett lately? What’s he up to today?”

"We sent a private plane to Mississippi. Just get us through the next 3 drives."

“We sent a private plane to Mississippi. Just get us through the next 3 drives.”

“Have I told you white guys how much I love you lately?”

"I swear to God, make one more 'Hurt Locker' joke..."

“I swear to God, make one more ‘Hurt Locker’ joke…”

"Drink it in boys. We won't have much to celebrate until the draft."

“Drink it in boys. We won’t have much to celebrate until the draft.”

"Why do I feel like this camoflauge isn't working?"

“Why do I feel like this camoflauge isn’t working?”

"Fluke-o strikes again suckers!"

“Fluke-o strikes again suckers!”

"Win or lose guys. Those are the options."

“Win or lose guys. Those are the options.”

"Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?"

“Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?”

"Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?"

“Since when am I not allowed to throw from my knees?”

"You can hide under that towel for now, but come December, I'll find you."

“You can hide under that towel for now, but come December, I’ll find you.”

"Coaching this team might give me a heart attack."

“Coaching this team might give me a heart attack.”

"I'll call you later and we can talk about not having quarterbacks."

“I’ll call you later and we can talk about not having quarterbacks.”

"Don't you worry, our offense is doing fine without you."

“Don’t you worry, our offense is doing fine without you.”

"Didn't anyone ever teach you how to share?"

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to share?”

"I've got nothing. You wanna give it a go?"

“I’ve got nothing. You wanna give it a go?”

"Suck it Jerry!"

“Suck it Jerry!”

NFL Captions: Week 9

"Coach Philbin! They're being mean again!"

“Coach Philbin! They’re being mean again!”

"You already took my soul! What more do you want?"

“You already took my soul! What more do you want?”

"Ryan, for the last time we use our words on this team."

“Ryan, for the last time we use our words on this team.”

"Yep, Denver is waiting for you right over that horizon, there."

“Yep, Denver is waiting for you right over that horizon, there.”

"Excuse me! I ordered Buffalo Wings, not Buffalo Bills!"

“Excuse me! I ordered Buffalo Wings, not Buffalo Bills!”

"Why does that fat guy get to catch passes and I don't?"

“Why does that fat guy get to catch passes and I don’t?”

"I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship if you get me the ball 20 times a game."

“I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship if you get me the ball 20 times a game.”

"Hey! Since when are we allowed to put descriptions of our dicks on the back of our jerseys?"

“Hey! Since when are we allowed to put descriptions of our dicks on the back of our jerseys?”

"Easy on the head-to-head stuff Jimmy. Don't give Roger any ammunition."

“Easy on the head-to-head stuff Jimmy. Don’t give Roger any ammunition.”

"It's like looking into a thin, hairless mirror."

“It’s like looking into a thin, hairless mirror.”

"Thank God Halloween is over. Those damn kids kept trying to carve my face."

“Thank God Halloween is over. Those damn kids kept trying to carve my face.”

"Guys, please, tell me where in the rulebook it says I can't be a douchebag."

“Guys, please, tell me where in the rulebook it says I can’t be a douchebag.”

"Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Well, it's sure as hell not a falcon."

“Look! In the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Well, it’s sure as hell not a falcon.”

"Why the hell are we down three touchdowns to the Bucs?"

“Why the hell are we down three touchdowns to the Bucs?”

"I know it sounds crazy, but our only choice is to go for the interpletion."

“I know it sounds crazy, but our only choice is to go for the interpletion.”

"You guys gotta hit them from behind, like this!"

“You guys gotta hit them from behind, like this!”

"Vick? Who the hell is Vick?"

“Vick? Who the hell is Vick?”

"Well, I guess I'm unemployed now..."

“Well, I guess I’m unemployed now…”

"Are you sure we're winning? Because that's so not what we were going for."

“Are you sure we’re winning? Because that’s so not what we were going for.”

"Who needs Jadaveon Clowney anyways?"

“Who needs Jadaveon Clowney anyways?”

"Right here! We'll take him!"

“Right here! We’ll take him!”

"Gronk, am I fist-pumping right?"

“Gronk, am I fist-pumping right?”

"You're not Wes."

“You’re not Wes.”

"Hey, do we maybe wanna try playing defense out there?"

“Hey, do we maybe wanna try playing defense out there?”

"Whatever you do, don't show that trophy to Vladmir Putin."

“Whatever you do, don’t show that trophy to Vladmir Putin.”

"Who put this giant football here?"

“Who put this giant football here?”

"You're probably better off going back to the hoodie."

“You’re probably better off going back to the hoodie.”

 

"Live from Houston, it's Sunday Night?"

“Live from Houston, it’s Sunday Night?”

"Guys, I think our Cease and Desist order is missing a few letters."

“Guys, I think our Cease and Desist order is missing a few letters.”

"You sure you want me to be a head coach in this state again?"

“You sure you want me to be a head coach in this state again?”

NFL Captions: Week 7

"Look, we all know you're bald. There's no use in wearing that hat."

“Look, we all know you’re bald. There’s no use in wearing that hat.”

"I bet this is gonna look great in slow motion."

“I bet this is gonna look great in slow motion.”

"I love you Steven Jackson doppleganger!"

“I love you Steven Jackson doppleganger!”

"You better not catch that. It'll throw off our dance."

“You better not catch that. It’ll throw off our dance.”

"I'd rather be in the hospital with MRSA."

“I’d rather be in the hospital with MRSA.”

"Crap, I called the wrong finger."

“Crap, I called the wrong finger.”

"Whatever happened to that Tebow guy?"

“Whatever happened to that Tebow guy?”

"Watch out everybody, Chipotle farts."

“Watch out everybody, Chipotle farts.”

"And back into the foggy irrelevance for us."

“And back into the foggy irrelevance for us.”

"Come on, do your black guy impersonation one more time."

“Come on, do your black guy impersonation one more time.”

"Get over here and kiss me you big lug."

“Get over here and kiss me you big lug.”

"Sorry Bill, there just isn't anything we can do to stop him from fist-pumping."

“Sorry Bill, there just isn’t anything we can do to stop him from fist-pumping.”

"If I buy six more hoodies, I only need to do laundry once a week."

“If I buy six more hoodies, I only need to do laundry once a week.”

"I'm not even going to tell you where my Tom Brady tattoo is. Okay, I'll tell you. It's on my penis."

“I’m not even going to tell you where my Tom Brady tattoo is. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s on my penis.”

"That Jason Garrett would make a mighty fine third quarterback..."

“That Jason Garrett would make a mighty fine third quarterback…”

"Please please, hold your applause. I'm about to throw another interception."

“Please please, hold your applause. I’m about to throw another interception.”

"BLURRED LINES!"

“BLURRED LINES!”

"Don't worry guys, Rex Grossman is right over there and says he's ready to go."

“Don’t worry guys, Rex Grossman is right over there and says he’s ready to go.”

"Why did we even bother cutting eye holes?"

“Why did we even bother cutting eye holes?”

"I either need glasses or larger tattoo font. This is getting ridiculous."

“I either need glasses or larger tattoo font. This is getting ridiculous.”

"Good Lord, it's beautiful."

“Good Lord, it’s beautiful.”

"This added croth access is a game-changer."

“This added crotch access is a game-changer.”

"So you're saying throwing it to myself isn't an option?"

“So you’re saying throwing it to myself isn’t an option?”

"You know I can't literally rub off on you, right?"

“You know I can’t literally rub off on you, right?”

"You saw what Schaub was doing? Do the opposite of that."

“You saw what Schaub was doing? Do the opposite of that.”

"Beer here!"

“Beer here!”

"Sure, the more Super Bowl wins, the more alert you are."

“Sure, the more Super Bowl wins, the more alert you are.”

"There's something vaguely familiar about this place..."

“There’s something vaguely familiar about this place…”

"Damnit, I keep forgetting those blue jerseys aren't my teammates any more."

“Damnit, I keep forgetting those blue jerseys aren’t my teammates any more.”

"This hurts more than Peyton leaving."

“This hurts more than Peyton leaving.”

NFL Captions: Week 6

"I wonder if I'm gonna get in trouble for being out this late on a weeknight."

“I wonder if I’m gonna get in trouble for being out this late on a weeknight.”

"Eli, this is the NFL. They don't give out participation awards."

“Eli, this is the NFL. They don’t give out participation awards.”

"I can't believe he's throwing interceptions. That was my thing."

“I can’t believe he’s throwing interceptions. That was my thing.”

"Crap, I can never manage to get 2 feet down."

“Crap, I can never manage to get 2 feet down.”

"Thank God I left baseball. There's no crying in baseball."

“Thank God I left baseball. There’s no crying in baseball.”

"You call me tubby one more time and I swear I'll trade for Kaepernick."

“You call me tubby one more time and I swear I’ll trade for Kaepernick.”

"You sure we can't start Josh Freeman today?"

“You sure we can’t start Josh Freeman today?”

"So I guess what happens in London stays in London."

“So I guess what happens in London stays in London.”

"Come on buddy, let's get you back to the bench where you belong."

“Come on buddy, let’s get you back to the bench where you belong.”

"Timeout. As long as we're losing why don't we put Sanchez back in?"

“Timeout. As long as we’re losing why don’t we put Sanchez back in?”

"I love having a white quarterback!"

“I love having a white quarterback!”

"And please, Lord, don't let any of us get MRSA."

“And please, Lord, don’t let any of us get MRSA.”

"So tell me again what your favorite thing about me is."

“So tell me again what your favorite thing about me is.”

"Without you, my ego would seem outrageous."

“Without you, my ego would seem outrageous.”

"Do you feel well enough to throw another pick-six?"

“Do you feel well enough to throw another pick-six?”

"For $5 I will let you catch the first touchdown today."

“For $5 I will let you catch the first touchdown today.”

"No, playing you guys didn't bore me too much."

“No, playing you guys didn’t bore me too much.”

"Look, it's not my fault that our running game score touchdowns too."

“Look, it’s not my fault that our running game score touchdowns too.”

"Sliding crotch first was a bad choice."

“Sliding crotch first was a bad choice.”

"Okay, now Simon Says go throw a touchdown."

“Okay, now Simon Says go throw a touchdown.”

"You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”

"I need an arm band that goes better with my eyes!"

“I need an arm band that goes better with my eyes!”

"I'm telling you, there's no bounty on Brady. He's priceless."

“I’m telling you, there’s no bounty on Brady. He’s priceless.”

"I heard what you said, but I think we should just be friends."

“I heard what you said, but I think we should just be friends.”

"Oh my God guys, did you hear the Kardashians are breaking up?!?"

“Oh my God guys, did you hear the Kardashians are breaking up?!?”

"Same position. My place. 9 o'clock."

“Same position. My place. 9 o’clock.”

"Hey, if you ever need another over-hyped, underperforming quarterback, give me a call."

“Hey, if you ever need another over-hyped, underperforming quarterback, give me a call.”

"This is my happy face."

“This is my happy face.”

"I promise, I will not throw more than one interception tonight!"

“I promise, I will not throw more than one interception tonight!”

"Yeah, Jessica's butt was like this much bigger than Carrie's."

“Yeah, Jessica’s butt was like this much bigger than Carrie’s.”

"I just wanted to tell you, I never stopped believing in you, Great Pumpkin."

“I just wanted to tell you, I never stopped believing in you, Great Pumpkin.”

NFL Captions: Week 5

"Have you considered trading your best player? It's worked miracles for us."

“Have you considered trading your best player? It’s worked miracles for us.”

"Who's a ginger Ohio-based NFL quarterback with a a winning team? This guy!"

“Who’s a ginger Ohio-based NFL quarterback with a a winning team? This guy!”

"But Mom I don't want to wear a helmet!"

“But Mom I don’t want to wear a helmet!”

"They better not use this for the next Mighty Wings commercial."

“They better not use this for the next Mighty Wings commercial.”

"Chugga-chugga choo-choo!"

“Chugga-chugga choo-choo!”

"Eli, for the last time you can play train when the game is over."

“Eli, for the last time you can play train when the game is over.”

"Coach thinks he can ruin my game, well I'll ruin his stupid football game."

“Coach thinks he can ruin my game, well I’ll ruin his stupid football game.”

"And now introducing the next interim coach of the New Orleans Saints!"

“And now introducing the next interim coach of the New Orleans Saints!”

"It's not you, it's the double coverage."

“It’s not you, it’s the double coverage.”

"Give him a knuckle sandwich for me!"

“Give him a knuckle sandwich for me!”

"I knew talking to strangers wouldn't end well."

“I knew talking to strangers wouldn’t end well.”

"You're going to pretend you're Wes Welker and you're going to like it."

“You’re going to pretend you’re Wes Welker and you’re going to like it.”

"Be honest, does the light grey hoodie make me look fat?"

“Be honest, does the light grey hoodie make me look fat?”

"I'm number one!"

“I’m number one!”

"You sick of Aaron yet?" "Mmhmm"

“You sick of Aaron yet?” “Mmhmm”

"Oh my God! Memphis BBQ!"

“Oh my God! Memphis BBQ!”

"What do you mean you don't have burnt ends?"

“What do you mean you don’t have burnt ends?”

"If nothing else, we can agree that Kaepernick guy sucks."

“If nothing else, we can agree that Kaepernick guy sucks.”

"Let's hear it for putting the Jaguars on our schedule."

“Let’s hear it for putting the Jaguars on our schedule.”

"Whew, no more running for me for a good 5 years."

“Whew, no more running for me for a good 5 years.”

"Put me down! I am not food!"

“Put me down! I am not food!”

"So first one to 50 wins?"

“So first one to 50 wins?”

"Yeah this is Texas, but they have way to many weapons to be legal."

“Yeah this is Texas, but they have way to many weapons to be legal.”

"It's past my bedtime."

“It’s past my bedtime.”

"I'm not sold on Kaepernick, how would you like to be our new running quarterback?"

“I’m not sold on Kaepernick, how would you like to be our new running quarterback?”

"Look at me! I'm a fountain!"

“Look at me! I’m a fountain!”